Remembering My Baby Jellybean

Today has been three years since the traumatic loss of my baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. My baby would be 2 1/2 years old, and I imagine they would be running around in excitement as Christmas draws near. After my loss, it didn't feel right to give my baby a name, so I've just referred to them by the name I called them while in utero, "jellybean." As time has passed, I've grown a stronger desire to give them a name, and it feels right to share it as I remember them today.

In my post "Teal We Meet Again," I share that I don't feel strongly that my baby was a girl or boy. However, I love picking symbolic names, so for that purpose, the name of my baby jellybean is Acacia Auryn. Let me tell you a little bit about why I decided on this name.

Acacia

The anesthesiologist told me to pick a picture to hold in my mind for when I woke up as they were preparing me for laparoscopic surgery to remove the rupturing ectopic pregnancy. I chose an image of the Logan Utah Temple. Temples hold an extraordinary meaning to me, and while I couldn't go to the temple due to COVID restrictions, picturing it in my mind helped me find peace.

In the Old Testament, we learn of ancient temples known as tabernacles. Much of the Tabernacle was constructed with "Shittim Wood," as was the table for the shewbread and the ark of the covenant. Last year, I learned that the Hebrew word Shittim means Acacia.

Acacia means "thorny" because the trees have thorns on their branches. I think the thorns help me to reflect on Jesus, who was given a crown of thorns. He has been my strength as I've been healing from this trauma.

I love tree names; my girls have trees in their names, so I felt it was only suitable to choose a tree for my baby Jellybean. What is more remarkable about the name Acacia for my baby is that it symbolizes resurrection. I know that someday, when we are resurrected, I will get to hold my baby.

Auryn

In studying more about Tabernacles in the Old Testament, I learned that they used a lot of Gold in addition to Acacia wood. In particular, the Gold cherubim on the ark of the covenant made me think of my angel baby. Gold can hold many meanings, but I think in the Tabernacle, it symbolizes divinity and power. Even the Wisemen bring Gold as a gift to baby Jesus to show his royalty and kingship.

In December 2020, I decided to participate for the first time in the Light the World Campaign as part of the Christmas season. I was trying to find peace by serving others as I was recovering from my loss. The color of light is often described as golden, so I felt that Auryn, meaning Gold, would be a fitting middle name for Acacia.

What will I do today to remember and honor Acacia Auryn?

I will be going to the butterfly exhibit at our local aquarium and will read the poem I wrote for Acacia. Butterflies symbolize pregnancy loss, and the blue morpho butterfly, in particular, reminds me of Acacia with its deep teal-blue color.