The 5 Self-Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

Most everyone is familiar with the five love languages explained in the book by Gary Chapman. As I've been working with a therapist to heal from trauma, it occurred to me that self-care is self-love. So, I wanted to share some ideas on how to show self-love based on your love language. Because I want to keep things short and sweet (like a pineapple), I'll share a different post for each language. "Words of Affirmation" is my primary love language, so I saved it for the last self-love language I want to write about. First, I want to share my background, and then I will share some tips.

External vs. Internal Affirmations

In a recent EMDR session with my therapist, I made a profound insight that due to past stress and trauma, I didn't feel that I could trust myself or my judgments. For 30 years, I've belittled myself, never felt worthy of love, and constantly sought affirmation of my value from external sources. These negative thoughts produced my anxiety to "be perfect." Then, when I didn't meet what I expected to bring me those affirmations, I would fall into a cycle of depression.

I think a large part of the emotional difficulty with infertility was that I placed my worth and value on my ability to have a baby. If I couldn't have a baby, what value or role do I play in society? Then, when I experienced pregnancy losses, I began to question if God took my babies from me because I was not worthy to be a mom. I know logically these were lies, but deep down, I felt shame and self-blame building on my childhood traumas. I felt broken.

Eventually, I hit a point at which I realized external affirmations were never satisfied. I think this was primarily because I didn't believe the affirmations myself. After reading a lot of self-help books, discussions with trusted friends, and working with my therapist, I've made some breakthroughs. I realize now that I must believe the words of affirmation to accept them.

Affirming the Positive

It is so easy to find something "wrong" with us. Saying something positive about ourselves can take practice. I know because I'm still working on it. Here are some tips to get you started. Eventually, affirming yourself will become more natural.

1. Look in the mirror daily and admire something about yourself. Admire a physical trait such as your eyes or the dimple on your cheek. Admire a character trait such as being kind, honest, creative, or hardworking. Admire a skill you have, such as playing an instrument, speaking a foreign language, baking, organization, etc.

2. Write an affirmation on a Post-it note and place it somewhere you will see it often. If you can't think of one, find an inspiring mantra.

3. Write yourself a letter, pretend you are your best friend, what do you say? What encouragement would you give? For fun, you can even drop it off at the post office and have fun getting it in the mail a few days later.

4. Schedule an appointment with a therapist.

5. Read a book about self-compassion.

6. Listen to guided self-compassion meditations.

7. Rewrite a negative thought to be something positive. For example, my negative thinking, "I can never trust myself," could be rewritten to be "I can learn to trust myself."

8. Make a list of 10 things about yourself that you are thankful for.

9. Pray to ask God for help to see your value.

10. Study the scriptures to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

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I hope today's post gave you some tips for ways to show yourself love through Words of Affirmation. If you are looking for more ideas for how to show self-love, please read my previous posts: Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time.

If you find value in these posts, please consider sharing them with a friend or on social media. I truly hope to grow our community and make a difference.