Talayna's Story: Bent, Broken, and Glowing

Talayna's story is one of resilience, perseverance, and eventual triumph. Despite the challenges she faced, she never gave up and continued to push forward. Her journey was not an easy one, as she had to navigate through various obstacles that left her feeling bent and broken. However, through her strength and determination, she was able to overcome these hardships and come out the other side, glowing with a newfound sense of confidence and purpose. Talayna's story is a testament to the power of the human spirit, and serves as an inspiration to all those facing adversity.

I met Talayna when she moved into our area of Tennessee, where we attended the same church. Both of our daughters are the same age and would have frequent playdates. Following my miscarriage in 2022, Talayna's was a friendship I turned to in my healing process as we shared our stories with each other. I'm so thankful she agreed to be one of the first to share her story here and I hope that someone will find healing and connection as they understand what her journey has been like.

What do you want people to know about your experience?

I had my daughter 2½ years before my miscarriage. With my daughter, I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum, or extreme morning sickness. It was a complicated pregnancy, and I needed a lot of care. While my second pregnancy was not unwanted, it did come at a challenging time. I'd been off birth control for six months when my husband got a new job, and we decided to move across the country. Within a week of my husband getting offered a job, I found out I was pregnant. My husband needed to be at his new job a week after I found out I was pregnant, so I stayed behind for a little while to pack up our things. Within a month of being 1,700 miles from my whole support system and everyone I knew, at ten weeks along, I was having a miscarriage. I had only met my in-laws a few times before, and now they were my entire support through the most challenging point in my life.

While in the emergency room having my miscarriage, I thought only of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and Jesus saying, "Let this cup pass from me." (Luke 22:42). Reminding myself that my savior had already suffered for me, I put as much pain as possible on him and accepted my heavenly father's will.

They gave me an ultrasound at the emergency room to check what was happening. At one point, they asked me to relieve my bladder. While using the restroom, I felt my baby fall from me, and I could see the gestational sac at the bottom of the toilet. Every fiber of my being wanted to fish it out, but in my confusion and fear-triggered state, I was afraid I would be scolded and didn't.

What would you tell yourself if you could return to this experience?

I would tell myself to ask for what I need and not just expect the medical professionals to guess what I want. Ask if you can keep the fetus, ask for more information, and ask for emotional or psychological support. It doesn't hurt to ask, and no one will scold you for having questions.

What is something someone else said or did or that you wish they did to help you?

My in-laws were incredibly kind throughout the whole experience. My mother-in-law was there while I was in the emergency room and baked me all sorts of treats in the following days. My stepfather-in-law gave me a priesthood blessing of comfort and helped care for my daughter while I mourned.

What is something hurtful or triggering from this experience?

The saying that those expecting tend to say, "We don't care about the gender. We just want them to be healthy." I just wanted my baby. I would have loved them even with poor health or disabilities. I just wanted my baby.

What advice would you give someone going through a similar experience?

It's okay to break, it's okay to lean on those around you, and it's okay to mourn for as long as you need to. Give yourself space. You will heal, but it takes time and will do more harm in the long run if you aren't allowed to heal how you need to.

What advice would you give to someone who is holding on to self-blame?

I wish I knew. I still struggle with wondering if I could have done something differently.

How has this experience affected your relationship with others?

It hasn't changed my relationship with others, but it's changed my relationship with myself. I am naturally very codependent, but going through this, I felt so alone without the support system I was used to. Although I had all the support I needed, I was able to build myself back up, become a bit more independent, and rely on myself.

How has your spirituality and relationship with God changed?

Growing up, so much of my faith has been based on the faith of others. That heartbreaking pain stripped away all that fluffy faith in that moment, leaving me with my pure foundation of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The leaves may have fallen, the branches pruned, leaving a bare-looking stump, but the seasons have been fruitful and plenty. I can always put in more effort to build a stronger relationship with my Father in Heaven, but my faith in Him and His will has never been stronger.

What forms of self-care do you find helpful?

Good food, good laughs, and good people.

What is your favorite thing about pineapples?

They eat you as you eat them.

What is your favorite type of butterfly?

I don't know much about butterflies, but I've always loved watching the little white ones that fly around my mom's yard.

What quotes, scriptures, mottos, mantras (etc.) have helped you?

• "Not my will, but Thine be done." (Luke 22:42)

• "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we can shine." - Anonymous

What do you wish other people knew about your experience?

I want people to know that I am incredibly happy with my life as it is now and am thankful for the family that I have.

What rituals or traditions have you used to remember and heal from your experience?

My husband and I picked a name for our child that we didn't get to keep, and every year on my due date, I meditate and imagine what my baby could have been like and how my life could have been different.

If you were to write a book about your story, what would you title it?

Bent, Broken, and Glowing

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