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How to Use Love Languages to Support Those Going Through Infertility or a Miscarriage

Updated: Dec 15, 2023

Imagine a close friend or family member has just told you that they are going through infertility or a miscarriage. How do you respond? When someone is looking to you for support in a difficult moment, it can be hard to know what to do or say to help give them comfort. Even as someone who has experienced infertility and pregnancy loss, I can think of several situations where I said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Knowing what your friend needs as they heal can be tricky! Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of "The 5 Love Languages", has given us a guide to know how best to express love based on someone's specific love language. Following the five love languages, I've created lists of ideas to help you as you are trying to find the perfect way to let your friend know you care!


Note: This will be the first in a series of posts that will discuss ways that we can help support our friends and family who are experiencing infertility or who have gone through a miscarriage. So hopefully, we can avoid those awkward or embarrassing moments.

Physical Touch

"Nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch." (Dr. Gary Chapman) for those whose love language is physical touch. I emphasized "appropriate" here because nothing is worse than an unexpected touch from someone you don't feel comfortable with. However, receiving the right touch from someone we love can mean the world. If you don't know if your friend is a physical touch person, you may want to ask them, "can I give you a hug?" If they are not touchy-feely, most people that I know will tell you directly.


Three girls huging by a stream of water
Hugs release the hormone oxytocin, which may help to relieve stress.

When it comes to family and friends, a hug is the only thing I could think of as an appropriate gesture for physical touch. However, there are many types of hugs, so maybe take some time to think of what kind of hug your friend may need:

  • Tight Hug - This full-bodied hug shows closeness as you wrap your arms entirely around your friend. This hug is probably best saved for someone you know well. A tight hug is almost as if you are trying to squeeze the pain away from yoIt'sriend. It’s perfect for trying to show emotional support.

  • Long Hug – A long embrace is perfect for someone who is feeling low. When I arrived home after we found out that "Baby Strawberry" no longer had a heartbeat, I walked in the door, and my sister gave me a long hug while I just cried. Because neither of us had words, we could speak. You can both breathe through a long hug and let go of challenging emotions. Your friend will feel that you are there for them for the long haul.

  • Quick Hug - Some may think that this hug is considered cold or unfeeling, but I think a sincere quick hug at the right moment is still appropriate for expressing support. This hug is probably best for those you haven't known very long, but you still want to show support. Following my silent miscarriage, I had a friend check in with me in the hallway at church, and at that moment, all I needed was a hug, so I asked for one.

While my list for physical touch is only three hugs long, I hope you can see how you can feel meaning through different types of hugs. Your friend might need a quick "I'm here for you" hug, or it might be a long "I'm here while you cry on my shoulder" hug. If any of my readers have other ideas on what might be an appropriate physical touch to add to my shortlist, please let me know!


Acts of Service

"Simple acts of service can ease the strain on family members as they cope with their loss. An offer to help with everyday tasks such as cooking, cleaning, running errands or grocery shopping might help lighten the load." ("Easing the Pain of miscarriage," Summer Thorpe, Ensign, Jan 2007) Following my ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage, it was hard to get through the physical and emotional healing my body was going through. Doing laundry or cooking dinner can be a mountain to climb in those dark times. I'm sure there are many ways you can serve your friend, but here are three ways you might try first:

  • Bring them Dinner - Following my ectopic pregnancy, I had several friends who offered to bring us dinner while I recovered from surgery. At the time, this was a huge blessing, and I felt loved. I wasn't physically able to make dinner for my family. One friend, in particular, brought us a Chicken Pot Pie with the recipe attached. Something I love about this recipe is that it makes two pies. This act of love meant so much to me that I make this recipe whenever I help with meal trains. I usually make one fresh and bring a second one to put in the freezer. I try to keep several in my freezer, so they are ready to take to friends when they need a meal. I think regardless if your friend is going through IVF treatments or if they are recovering from a miscarriage, dinner can be food for the soul.

  • Babysit their Kids - This one may only apply to those who have children. When you have lots of doctor’s appointments for fertility treatments or are just trying to recover from the grieving process, having someone watch your kids can be a big help. I needed a lot of rest following my laparoscopic surgery from my ectopic pregnancy, and I'm so thankful for friends who were willing to watch my daughter through the healing process.

  • Help with Household Chores - It can be hard to get back into the swing of things following a miscarriage, or when you have a lot going on with fertility treatments doesn't mean you have to clean their whole house, just a quick sweep of the floor or a batch of dishes can move a mountain of stress for your friend.

Hopefully, this list gave you a few ways you might be able to help your friend who is going through infertility or pregnancy loss. While it might seem small or simple, you have no idea how loved your friend will feel.


Receiving Gifts

I think "receiving gifts" is sometimes misunderstood. We hear "gifts" and think, "I can buy anything and call it good." However, "receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved." (Dr. Gary Chapman). I "emphasized "heartfelt" because most people who value receiving gifts, it’s not that you just got them something but that you put thought into the thing you bought. This list could be infinite depending on the person receiving the gift. Here is a list of things that I thought might be helpful for those going through infertility or pregnancy loss.

  • Flowers - A vase of flowers is a beautiful gift that your friend can look at and feel loved! "Damarys, another mother who experienced a miscarriage, was touched when a friend brought her ye"lo" roses." ("Easing the Pain of miscarriage," Summer Thorpe, Ensign, Jan 2007) Having your friend's favorite flowers on their table will brighten their day.

  • Figurines or Knick-Knacks - I bought this willow tree angel as a gift for myself as part of my healing journey after my ectopic pregnancy. I specifically bought it in the month when my baby would have been due. I wanted to visually remember "Baby Jellybean" Since I didn't even get an ultrasound picture. Following my miscarriage, I bought a second willow tree angel for the same reason, even though I have several ultrasound pictures. While I gave this gift to myself, I can see how a symbolic token like an angel or figurine from a friend could mean something special to someone healing from loss.

Willow Tree Remembrance Angel figurine
Willow Tree Remembrance Angel

  • Candle - I first heard of the "Wave of Light" during an Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness event. Some people going through a loss may appreciate a candle that they can light on special occasions, such as the anniversary of the loss or what would have been their due date, to remember their baby.

  • Symbolic Clothing or Accessories -

    • Pineapples - Pineapples are the symbol of infertility. If your friend is going through infertility, they will likely appreciate a pineapple t-shirt, necklace, or handbag because of what it symbolizes. After I started sharing my infertility story on social media, one of my sisters sent me a necklace with a pineapple, the symbol of infertility. I felt so loved that she took the time to find something to represent what I was experiencing.

    • Rainbows or Butterflies - For those friends who have suffered a pregnancy loss, we often see rainbows or butterflies as a symbol. You can get pretty creative here. To find something meaningful for your friend, you can find t-shirts, scarves, handbags, socks, etc., with rainbows or butterflies.

  • Journal - A journal can be a thoughtful gift, especially if your friend enjoys writing. Some people like to keep infertility journals, gratitude journals, mindfulness journals, or just a simple diary. A journal is where your friend can write the things in their heart, mind, and soul.

As you can see from this long list, there are many ways that you can find a thoughtful and meaningful gift for your friend who is healing from infertility or miscarriage.


Quality Time

Quality Time "is all about giving the other person your undivided attention." (Dr. Gary Chapman) Depending on your friend's healing process, they may or may not be ready to talk about things, but regardless, they will still value spending time with you, and it might be just the distraction they need. Here are a couple of ways you might be able to get some quality time together:

  • Visit - Depending on the situation, this may or may not be feasible, but it can benefit someone who needs support from family or friends. My sister just happened to be visiting from out of town when we discovered that "Baby strawberry" no longer had a heartbeat. My sister was already visiting from out of town regardless of the circumstance. Having her here was a welcome distraction to help me through the first days of accepting the news. Kristina shares her experience with a visit from family, “I was fortunate that my mother flew down to be with me. I needed to talk about what had happened. My mom also helped me get out of the house, which made me more upbeat." ("Easing the Pain of Miscarriage," Summer Thorpe, Ensign, Jan 2007)

  • Call or Facetime - I realize that not everyone can live close to their friends and family that doesn't mean you can't still show them some love by giving them a phone call or Facetime.

Friends eating lunch at a restaurant
Social support and connection through lunch with friends

  • Go to Appointments - Sometimes, your friend needs someone to go with them to those challenging appointments, especially if their spouse is unavailable. Though keep in mind some of these appointments are very intimate and may not be appropriate depending on your relationship.

  • Be an Exercise Buddy - For those going through infertility or a recent pregnancy loss, it can be essential to get out and exercise for both physical and mental health. Why not get some quality time with your friend at the same time? Going for a walk, running, swimming, hiking, going to the gym, or anything else you can think of!

  • Go to Lunch - Spending some quality time while eating delicious food is a beautiful way to tell someone you care. A few weeks after my miscarriage, I had a friend invite me to lunch, and it was so healing to get out of the house and spend time with a friend. It doesn't matter if you are talking about your favorite places to shop, planning your next adventure together, or having a deep heart-to-heart. All that matters is that you are enjoying each other's company.

Hopefully, this list gave you some ideas for ways you can spend quality time with your friend as they go through their journey of infertility or pregnancy loss.


Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation can be tricky to master. "This language uses words to affirm other people." (Dr. Gary Chapman) You can speak love if you say the right thing or cause deep pain if you accidentally say something hurtful or triggering. If this language is not one you are familiar with, just acknowledging your friend's struggles with infertility or validating their loss will be helpful! "Many couples feel validated when their loss is acknowledged, and they know someone is willing to listen, no matter how long their grieving lasts." ("Easing the Pain of Miscarriage," Summer Thorp, Ensign, Jan 2007) Here are some ways you can affirm and validate your friend who needs support:

  • Send a text or e-mail - Here are a few ideas of messages you might send:

    • "I'm praying for you" - I have a friend that I call my prayer friend. While we don't live in the same town anymore, we keep in touch by sending this simple message. For me, it acts as a code that offers validation but is neutral enough to say, "I'm willing to listen, but you don't have to talk if you're not ready."

    • “How are you doing today?” - This simple direct question can be helpful to allow a chance to talk if your friend needs a listening ear.

    • "I cried for"you" - Whenever someone sends me this message, I usually burst into tears as it speaks volumes of love. Christ taught us "to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." (Mosiah 18:9) Summer Thorp shares her experience in helping a friend through a miscarriage, "When I learned that a friend in a distant state had had a miscarriage, I offered a silent prayer as I stared at my computer screen, searching for words of comfort to offer. The only phrase that came to my mind was: “I cried for you today.” I typed those words and sent them in an e-mail with another silent prayer that I had done the right thing. Although I was unsure about my actions, my friend later told me she had felt touched by my message" ("Easing the Pain of Miscarriage," Ensign, Jan 20"7)

    • "How is [spouse or child's name] handling the loss?" - I think it’s important to remember that infertility or miscarriage affects the whole family. I don't think my daughter understood what was happening during my ectopic pregnancy recovery. However, during my most recent miscarriage, she knew we wouldn't have a baby anymore, which was hard for me. Your friend will appreciate that you are thinking of them and their family.

  • Personally Validate the Loss - When possible, acknowledge your friend’s loss or infertility in a face-to-face conversation. Here is a list of responses that you might be able to give your friend to show your support:

    • “This must be difficult for you.”

    • "I don’t know what to say.”

    • “How can I help?"

    • "I’m here for you!”

    • "Do you want to talk about it?"

    • "I wish I knew what to say to comfort you!"

    • "I'm here to listen whenever you need me."

    • "I’m very sorry that you have lost your baby.”

  • Send a Card - It might take a little extra step to go to the store and buy a card and put it in the mail, but "A simple, heartfelt note or card can brighten a grieving parent's day. Sabrina says she was comforted when a friend sent her an e-card expressing words of sympathy." ("Easing the Pain of Miscarriage," Ensign, Jan 2007)

A card with wild flowers
Getting a card in the mail can lift someone's spirit

Saying the right thing to help your friend can be tricky, but I hope this list gave you a few ideas to start validating your friend's loss. I plan to share future posts on more things we can say or things not to say, so please stay tuned for future posts. Check out some of the resources that I've linked below.


Love Language Takeaways

For your friends and family supporting those of us with infertility and miscarriage, you don't know what it means to us when you show that you care! Infertility or pregnancy loss can be isolating. You don't have to have had experience with infertility or pregnancy loss to show love. I hope that this post has given you some ideas on ways you can help support your friends based on their love language(s).


For those of you who are going through infertility or pregnancy loss, I feel deeply for you! I hope that reading this post has given you some ideas to share with your friends and family so that they can know to help support you.


I would love to hear back about what you are doing for your loved ones. I also would love to hear what other ideas you have that I didn't cover in this post that might help someone going through infertility or pregnancy loss. Please join in the conversation in the comments below, on social media, or send me a message!

Additional Resources:

I realize there is so much more information than I could share in one blog post! I've added a few additional resources below if you are looking for something to help a friend or family member going through infertility or a miscarriage.


Miscarriage Resources

Infertility Resources

Resources for Both Pregnancy Loss and Infertility

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