Kalene's Story: Replacing Loss with Love

Of all the years I've known Kalene, there is one constant thing. She loves God and her family very much! I met Kalene in our high school choir, and we've kept connected over time. Despite living far away, we've grown closer through our similar trials with PCOS, mental health struggles, infertility, and miscarriages. As you read Kalene's story, you will see her find the strength to let go of the losses of the past and replace them with faith, joy, and love to live in the present.

Tell us a little about yourself: I am grateful to say I am a mom! I know this is a blog about fertility, and not all readers can say that yet, but don't stop reading, thinking this isn't for you! I thought about starting this differently, but being a mom is my number 1 title. It is who I am right now.

By a miracle, I have two children: a wonderful husband and the perfect ESA dog.

When I graduated from high school, I wanted to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I wanted to share the love of the Savior and help lift others. But while preparing, I felt the Spirit firmly tell me not to. I was directed every step of the way and ended up instead at BYU-I, in an apartment just down the street from an old friend who would soon be my husband.

When we got married, we felt like we shouldn't wait to have kids, and we didn't. So we had my son first, and then 13 months later came my "surprise party" baby girl, who wasn't planned. If I had gone on a mission and waited to have kids, I wouldn't have my perfect two children. We wanted four kids, but we were stopped at two. Then came the loss and miscarriages and pain.

I was diagnosed with PCOS about six years ago. I also have endometriosis. I am also a mental health warrior who battles anxiety and depression. Sometimes, I feel like a walking trainwreck, but going to therapy helped, and having a support system is essential. My ESA dog, whom I mentioned earlier, helps me be able to sleep. That alone is a massive help for me.

I had thought the pain that came with my cycles was normal. But I overheard a friend's conversation and learned the pain I experienced was not normal. She directed me to a phenomenal women's doctor and told me to get help, which I did. They diagnosed me with endometriosis, which was growing on a nerve and caused awful leg pain. This pain had been getting worse and came even outside my regular cycles.

We made the hard decision to do surgery to remove this endometriosis. The doctor would also drain the cysts on my ovaries, and he said this would make me "super fertile." I did get pregnant during the "super fertile" period. The pregnancy held long enough to feel secure, and we announced it to our close friends and family, and then I miscarried. I have had other miscarriages, but this one was probably the most traumatic. We had our hopes lifted; we had celebrated and shared the news. Only to now feel loss.

On top of that, we had to relive that loss as we told family and friends what had happened. To add to the whole thing, I couldn't even be in my own home because it was having plumbing reworked, and we were staying with some friends. Maybe staying with them was a blessing in disguise, so I wasn't alone, but I also wanted to grieve privately. This was the last miscarriage I had. We decided to stop trying for multiple reasons. The PPD I experienced was very scary after having my kids. To help balance my hormones, many doctors have suggested I try "the pill," but when I tried it, birth control pills affected my mental health in scary ways. I don't tolerate hormone-related things. While our fertility journey is one we decided to stop at here, we are happy with where we are now. It took a long time to come to terms with being done trying, but when I focus on cherishing what I have, I have it all. I know one day I will hold those babies I have lost, but until then, I will hold the two I have now and focus on loving them.

What do you want people to know about your experience?

I want people to leave the article feeling hopeful and comforted. My hope is that every person struggling with this knows that the Lord loves them and sees them. That they are not alone and that there is always hope.

What would you tell yourself if you could return to this experience?

That it does get better. If I could show my past self where I am today, to give that lost, scared, sad person hope. To show her that it is going to be ok. And to encourage her to get help from a therapist sooner because putting that off only delayed finding the relief and support I needed.

What is something someone else said or did or that you wish they did to help you?

I wish that those around me would have let go of the stigmas they held. I also wish people would stop asking, "When are you planning your next child?" I actually have been snippy and told them, "I can't. I am infertile". I knew this would shock them, but I also hoped it would teach these strangers to stop asking these questions!

Also, with depression, sometimes we don't want to talk, and I know it's awkward to sit next to someone who doesn't want to talk, but just being there can make all the difference, even without saying anything.

What is something hurtful or triggering from this experience?

It is hard sometimes to see my friends and family have new babies. I have a sister with six kids! I am happy for her, and I love each of those babies, but it does come with sadness naturally. It took me a long time to hold a baby without being sad. I think this is a normal feeling.

Of course, I would never want my family to try to keep me from seeing their babies, worrying it would make me sad. It comes with multiple emotions, and it isn't very easy. But joy can be there, too. I do a lot better with this today. And I am grateful for my family's patience and support through that.

What advice would you give someone going through a similar experience?

I would tell them to be gentle with themselves. And to get help from a professional. I waited so long to get a therapist, but I wish I hadn't.

What advice would you give to someone who is holding on to self-blame? In life, some things are out of our control. This includes anything to do with the past. Let go of the past and allow yourself to live in the now. Ask yourself what you can do now. How will you choose to respond to the situation you are in right now? I'd remind anyone holding on to guilt to be gentle with themselves. This life isn't about being perfect yet! We are being perfected right now. Find something you love about yourself, and when you feel self-blame, fight that thought and replace it with what you love about yourself.

How has this experience affected your relationship with others?

Sometimes, I feel isolated because most of my friends don't have this same struggle, and I often connect better with older women even though there are plenty my age whom I'd love to be better friends with. It just feels like I am at a different point in my life, being done having kids even though I am so young.

I also have relationships that have strengthened as we have cried together and walked together through these trials.

How has your spirituality and relationship with God changed?

I have relied a lot on Heavenly Father's guidance through this. If it weren't for His guidance, I'd never have been able to have the two kids that I do. I can be stronger when I remember the Savior's example. PCOS and endometriosis often cause pain, and when I am struggling, I remember the Savior and the love He showed despite the pain, and I try to live like that.

I once talked to my Bishop about these struggles, and with tears, he told me that one day, I could help others going through the same thing. This has been a very comforting idea to me, especially in the moments when it is hardest. Remembering that one day, someone will need my experience so they can get through it has given me strength.

Sadly, these things run in families, and my sisters, nieces, and even my daughter could likely have these same trials. I want to be strong for them.

What forms of self-care do you find helpful?

Lately, I have found that my morning routine affects the rest of my day. If I get dressed in nice clothes, I feel more energized. If I put on shoes, I feel more motivated, and it helps me get things done, even if I am not leaving the house. If I prioritize scripture study, I have time for all I need to do.

Lately, a powerful change I have made to my morning routine is practicing piano. While I am still very much a beginner, it has helped me to start my day with something I enjoy, and I feel better on days I practice.

What is your favorite thing about pineapples?

Their flavor! I love to cut them up, cover them in brown sugar, and throw them on the grill!

What is your favorite type of butterfly?

The blue morpho butterfly. Our zoo has a live butterfly exhibit each year with these!

What quotes, scriptures, mottos, mantras (etc.) have helped you?

The right scripture or General Conference Talk has been there whenever I have struggled. The Lord has been there the whole time, never leaving me alone, even when I felt the most alone. There have been so many instances I cannot list them all, but here are a few things.

A great talk that helped me was "Like a Broken Vessel" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2013 General Conference.

The hymn's first line of "Come Ye Saints" says, "Come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear. But with Joy wend your way."

1 Corinthians 10:13

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Mosiah 24:13-14

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

When I am struggling, I can always turn to hymns, the temple, and especially doing family history work as well.

What do you wish other people knew about your experience?

While these things have been the hardest things I've had to go through, I have learned where to put my energy. To focus on cherishing what I do have. To focus on life's joys and allow my life to happen as God intends.

If you were to write a book about your story, what would you title it? "Replacing Loss with Love." Because when I focus on loving my family and those around me, I don't feel that loss so much.

Last thoughts: To anyone who comes here struggling. I hope you leave feeling uplifted and strengthened. I hope you recognize that your life is full of value and that you are worth more than you'll ever know. Find a reason to smile today.

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