Hailey's Story - I Can Do Hard Things

Infertility is hard, and pregnancy loss is hard no matter what, but having a pregnancy loss after infertility is even more challenging. Hailey was introduced to me through a mutual friend. We share some similarities in our stories in that we both have experienced a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies. Hailey's story differs from mine in her experience with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I've not been through IVF, but I know it is hard to physically and emotionally experience it. I'm so glad Hailey shares her TTC (Trying to Conceive) story with us and how she has been able to do the hard things to get to where she is today.

Tell us a little bit about yourself:

I had one miscarriage after ten months of TTC. Then I had one pregnancy from Clomid that was ectopic and took one of my Fallopian tubes out of commission. I am now pregnant with an embryo from doing IVF. My first IVF retrieval yielded no embryos, which was devastating. I had surgery to remove endometriosis found during my ectopic surgery, and the subsequent egg retrieval yielded three embryos. This point emotionally and physically scarred me, so I waited a few months to implant an embryo to take a mental and physical health break (I also had my gallbladder removed around this time). The first transfer of our three embryos was successful, and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with a girl. I still don't trust my body to have made it this far, but I'm grateful to know what I need to do to try for another child someday.

What do you want people to know about your experience?

I have multiple diagnoses that interfere with my fertility, and I am grateful that modern medicine has made that happen. I feel for those who don't get a diagnosis and grieve with them as they try to find peace in the unknown. Most of my TTC journey was navigating the unknown, and I still suck at it.

What would you tell yourself if you could return to this experience?

It might not get better. It did get better (so far, at least), but all the people saying, "It's going to be okay," usually do not want to deal with your challenging situation and want you to get better. It's admirable that they want you to feel better, but don't let them dismiss your feelings. You need to feel those feelings and not be ashamed of them.

What is something hurtful or triggering from this experience?

When people I know get pregnant—especially from my faith and after only being married a brief time—and they post their pregnancy announcement, I still have jealousy that they had it easy. They most likely will never understand. I envy their ignorance, but I also feel proud of my awareness of the diversity of women's fertility and the strength it took to not dwindle from all the darkness I felt.

What advice would you give someone going through a similar experience?

Ask questions to your doctor. If you aren't being respected, find a different doctor. If you have reason to think something is wrong before the 1-year TTC doctor's appointment, have the courage to ask for something earlier than it is 'recommended.' If you are female with a male partner, get testing done for you AND YOUR PARTNER. Women shouldn't hold all of the liability for infertility.

I know more about my medical history because I pushed to find more.

What advice would you give to someone who is holding on to self-blame?

Go talk to someone. I had a therapist to talk to, which made my previous mental health diagnoses less aggravated by the time of trial I had while TTC. Find someone who understands your situation or has the skills to empathize. One end goal that I came to was practicing fierce self-compassion—setting loving boundaries instead of pushing myself past my limit too much.

How has this experience affected your relationship with others?

I isolated myself from others because I didn't want to burden them with my sadness. I have fewer friends, but the friendships I have are healthy and loving. I have become less of a people-pleaser since I had to put into practice turning down invitations to baby showers, meetings with friends with kids, or just hanging out with friends because of the overwhelm. However, it has relieved me to associate with people with more precise boundaries and no secret expectations for my behavior.

How has your spirituality and relationship with God changed?

I started TTC at 21 after being married for two years. I grew up in a religious culture that encouraged marriage and raising a family. The pressure to get married is on the men, but the pressure to raise a family is on the women. I had a lot of shame associated with infertility and felt God was punishing me. When I shared my struggles, people in my church would say, "It's all part of God's plan." I blamed God for my suffering and felt guilty the whole time that I did. Now that I'm past some of the dog days and have left the orthodox religion I spent most of my life in. I feel free to think that not all suffering is because of my actions or part of my eternal plan, and sometimes bad things happen.

What forms of self-care do you find helpful?

Treats after a challenging procedure/appointment. I gained weight I didn't want to acquire through all the stress and because of this practice, but I needed some joy in what felt like endless hopelessness.

What lessons has infertility taught you?

I can do hard things. I am not too weak to endure hardships.

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