A First Step to Heal from Trauma

One of my hobbies includes reading (or listening) books. In a recent pleasure read, the fictional character Kaladin Stormblessed struggles with depression and PTSD. Through each book of the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson, we see Kaladin bury his trauma to be the "hero" everyone thinks him to be. But no one knows the deep hurt and pain he experiences daily from trauma. Kaladin's friend Moash experienced similar trauma, but how each character responds to the traumatic events of their lives is different. As the series is not finished, I don't know how it will end, but Kaladin seems to be working on accepting his trauma and can move forward, while Moash is rejecting his trauma and letting his victimhood dictate his actions.

"Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event. Experiencing a traumatic event can harm a person's sense of safety, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships. Long after the traumatic event occurs, people with trauma can often feel shame, helplessness, powerlessness and intense fear." (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health)

I think we have all experienced trauma of one kind or another. However, the degree and frequency at which we experience negative emotions due to past trauma vary greatly. The past week, I've felt a lot of trauma resurface, and it's not just big things that can cause a trigger. For me, it can be as simple as going to the bathroom to find "spotting," which triggers the memories of my ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage. Somehow, this trigger set me in a mood that made me cancel our plans to meet with friends at the park (my five-year-old was quite upset with me). I've been struggling to feel I can write here on my blog because I am not currently undergoing fertility treatments, and my pregnancy losses aren't that recent. But this morning, as I woke up, I realized that those traumas are still very real to me on a near-daily basis, and I should probably keep writing because it helps me to sort through them.

Reflecting on these semi-recent traumas, I've realized that they compound themselves with other traumas I've held on to earlier in my life. I ask, "Why is it that my trauma keeps resurfacing?" The answer I seem to have found for the moment is that, like rocks in a small pond, each piece of trauma stirs up all the different elements of trauma debris in the pond that float back to the surface. I've come to this moment where I don't want to keep reliving my trauma and want to move forward. I realize I can't prevent future trauma from landing in my pond, but I can take the rocks (some bigger than others) out by trying to heal from them.

As I write this post, I have no idea what the journey will be like. This trauma may be heavy, painful, and hard for others to hear. But I feel lighter as I take the first step in acknowledging that I experienced trauma. Our fictional friend Kaladin, while on his journey, had to swear "ideas" or mottos as he proceeded forward. The first ideal that he declared was:

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination. (Stormlight Archive, Brandon Sanderson)

If I were to write the first "ideal" or mantra for healing from infertility and pregnancy loss trauma, it would be: What I experienced was traumatic for me. Next time I feel a trauma resurface, I will place my hand on my heart and state this motto.

Every day, we face our trauma (despite the depression) we choose life before death (not necessarily death in the suicidal sense but death in the sense that we curl up in bed and feel dead inside). Each time we acknowledge our trauma triggers, we show strength before weakness. And each time we feel our trauma for what it is, we experience the journey before the destination.