GUEST POST: 3 Things Men Want Their Partners to Know During Infertility

It was a bright, white, cold winter afternoon in our little Victorian Village in upstate New York. As the fading sun crept toward the horizon, I folded laundry in the bedroom. Saturday is chore day.

As always, I was searching for a sock--specifically, a blue and white striped one to match the one I had in my hand.

As I flipped through sweaters, Olivia called from down the hallway, where she had been doing some dusting.

"Keegan...my period...it's here."

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I didn't need to see Olivia to know that her face also bore a look of sadness and disappointment.

At this point in early 2018, we'd been trying to conceive for nearly a year without success. The initial excitement ("We could have a baby in a year!") had gradually turned into vague concern ("Sigh...maybe next month?"). We knew it could take some time to become pregnant, but after almost a year, the monthly disappointment become harder and harder to brush off.

Olivia came down the hallway. We looked at each other, sadness evident in both our eyes. I wasn't sure how to say it yet...but I could tell we both had a sinking feeling that trying to have a baby wasn't going to be as easy for us as it is for many others...

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Looking back, that day carries a lot of sadness for me. No one expects conceiving a baby to be a challenge. After all, we learn about contraception in health class, but little (if anything) about infertility. Yet, on that cold winter day, we were already taking the first steps on our infertility journey.

Years later, we feel fortunate to have one healthy baby in our arms, though it wasn't without challenges and setbacks: two rounds of IVF, two miscarriages, genetic testing, and so on. As anyone experiencing infertility knows, the journey is rarely simple and takes lots of strength and perseverence.

Looking back with that perspective, what was the most important thing Olivia and I learned over those years? Being a united, sharing, supportive, and communicative team as a couple is so critical to making it through the ups and downs of fertility treatment.

So how do you do that? Infertility is incredibly stressful, but with open and honest communication from the start, it is possible to persevere as a partnership. It may even be possible to come out on the other side stronger than you started. It's not easy by any means, but having been in this difficult spot, I'm hoping to share some useful tips that can help women understand what their partners might be feeling and experiencing as they set out on their infertility journey. I'm certainly hoping some men will read this too, as it might help reflect on how you're feeling about going through fertility difficulties.

In that spirit, I'm thrilled to share this post (with Katherine, the wonderful founder here at Confessions of a Pineapple as a fantastic thought partner and collaborator) on the three things men want their partners to know during infertility. I'm hoping couples will read this post in conjunction with Katherine's awesome guest post on my blog at TheIVFDad.com. Even better, read this post, have your partner read Katherine's post, and then have a chat about it over a walk, drive, or cup of your beverage of choice!

Without further ado then, here are three things men want their partners to know during infertility.

1) We want to be supportive, but might need some guidance on how to do that well.

Above all, we genuinely just want to be supportive. We want to be there for you and for us as a couple. We might not be great at expressing it, but we guys know that we're on this journey together. While the focus and burden is often on you, we want to be there however we can.

That said, we might need some help knowing how to be supportive. One of my friends told me at one point in our infertility journey that society doesn't do a great job preparing men to be emotionally supportive--yet in so many cases during fertility treatment, that's what men are called on to do.

For me and Olivia, I learned that a major component of being supportive was taking time to check in frequently, take a walk, and discuss how we were feeling through all the ups and downs of treatment, IVF cycles, and more. Of course, I also knew that bringing home some Reese's Peanut Butter cups after a hard day was always a good move.

So my advice for the guys out there: if you're not sure how to be most supportive to your partner, JUST ASK! It can be as simple as saying "Hey, I know how hard this is and I want to make sure we both feel supported. Is there anything I can do today/this week/in general that would feel helpful to you?"

And women, if you're able, it may be helpful to give your partner some specific ideas on how he can support you best. Bringing home a particular treat? Taking some chores off your plate? Planning a nice night out? Sometimes we as men aren't as intuitive, so some specific tips can help us do what we want to do--be supportive.

2) We want to be involved in the process!

I always worked to attend major appointments, especially discussions with our RE. It was informative, and I felt like Olivia and I were able to debrief and make decisions as a united team because we were both involved. For instance, when we met with our RE to debrief our initial fertility work up, blood work, and semen analysis, we unexpectedly learned that Olivia had suspected diminished ovarian reserve. Having us both in the room for that conversation helped us understand what this meant and how it would affect our treatment options.

Now again, we totally get that fertility treatment almost always puts the heaviest burden and onus on women (though guys--be sure you're getting your semen analysis too!) There are countless blood draws, ultrasounds, and other monitoring appointments.

While it might not be practical or necessary for men to always be there for every single blood draw, we still want to be involved. So what might that look like? And what can you do if work, deployment, or other situations prevent you from being there physically for appointments?

• Plan discussion appointments with your fertility doctor well in advance, including possible virtual or phone options, so that both of you may be able to attend.

• Share what great books/podcasts/articles you're reading about fertility treatment with your partner--men love to learn too! It might even be great to listen to a podcast together on a road trip or weekend drive. If work or other situations mean you're apart more often, pick articles or podcasts to listen to on your own time and talk about them after.

• Heading into a major appointment? Sit down together in advance and write down questions you have. You'll make sure both of your questions get answered, and that you're better prepared to make sense of the appointment and any decisions you may need to make.

3) We're feeling all the feels about this too, we just might not be as good at showing emotions.

I was devastated on that cold winter day I described earlier. I wondered if we'd ever have kids. I saw visions of playing music and reading books with our future children slipping away. I knew Olivia was feeling the same things because she told me! But it took me some time to put these feelings into words.

Unfortunately, this is another powerful effect that our society has on men. We hear so many messages reinforcing the idea that "real men" keep their emotions "in control".

But believe me: we are feeling the feelings! We want to start a family because we have a deep conviction that we'd be a great parenting team. Be patient with us, but also don't be afraid to gently prod us to share how we're feeling. It's not something that comes naturally to men (for a host of deeply ingrained reasons), but men can really learn something here. A few tips that can help men feel better able to share their feelings:

• Try talking over a physical activity like a walk, hike, bike ride, or other activity. Most men aren't well prepared to sit and have a "heart-to-heart" on the couch. Making the conversation part of an activity can help.

• Instead of saying "How do you feel about this?" (which can send some men into panic mode--sad but true!), try some more open-ended questions like "What things make you look forward to having kids?"

I hope these three things help spark some good conversations with your partner. Experiencing infertility is never easy, but if we commit to doing the work of communicating and sharing openly, it will make a difficult path just a little bit easier.

Finally, a HUGE thanks to Katherine for allowing me to pop in for a visit! Please go and check out her post on my blog on Three Things Women Want Their Partners to Know During Infertility, and check out our social media too--Katherine is @confessionsofapineapple and I'm @TheIVFDad.

And, if you found this advice helpful, please check out and consider purchasing my book The IVF Dad, available July 1 on Amazon. It contains lots more stories and advice for men and couples to help support each other on the difficult path of fertility treatment.