3 Holiday Confessions of Pregnancy Loss and Infertility
- Katherine Hobbs
- Dec 12, 2022
- 5 min read
My favorite holiday dish is my family's recipe for cranberry sauce. The tart berries, mixed with zesty oranges and sweet pineapple, are a festive blend of flavors. The holiday season can be a mixed blend of flavors as well. It is filled with hope, light, family, and love for some. For those still trying to conceive, joy may shine like the twinkling lights on the rooftops of houses. However, for others, the lights of hope may grow dim or completely burnt out this season. Or those who are still navigating the complicated emotions of a miscarriage or pregnancy loss may be tangled up like the string of lights you want to put on the tree.
I've struggled to write for the past few months. Part of this is due to other responsibilities pulling my attention elsewhere. However, my true confession is also a pang of guilt for writing when I'm expecting my rainbow baby. My heart feels for those still waiting for their miracles to come, and I pray for my friends and family who are still waiting.
Holiday Confession #1 - Family and Social Gatherings
Holiday gatherings can be challenging for couples going through infertility or recently experiencing a pregnancy loss. Well-meaning family asking if you are pregnant or a sibling joyfully announcing their growing family can be challenging to navigate socially and emotionally.
Five years ago, on Christmas day, my family gathered around the computer to skype with my sister, who was serving a mission for my church. Out of the blue, my well-meaning brother-in-law told my sister I was pregnant. Unbeknownst to him, we were in our second year of infertility. While I played it off as if it didn't bug me, inside, my heart was breaking as I had another reminder that I still didn't have a baby in my arms. I've replayed this encounter a dozen times and wish I had just come forward with the painful truth right then and there.
How to Tell Your Family and Friends About Your Infertility - My fellow blogger and author of the IVF Dad, Keegan Prue, shared this post on my blog a few months ago to help those ready to open up about their infertility struggles. Instead of suffering through the holiday season, I would encourage you to consider telling someone this season what has been like for you as you navigate infertility.
Skip or Minimize the Family Events You Attend- What if you aren't ready to share your struggles with your family but don't feel prepared to respond to those well-meaning relatives? My best answer is to take inventory of your feelings. While you may feel obligated to attend family events, so you aren't the big party-pooper, I think it's essential to validate your feelings and let your family know you aren't feeling well enough to attend. Your emotional health is every bit important as your physical well-being. And if you think you want to attend, realize you don't have to stay for the entire time.
Holiday Confession #2 - Joy of the Season
Personally, both my pregnancy losses fell around the holiday season, so experiencing challenging emotions can make it difficult to feel the joy of the holiday season. My ectopic pregnancy happened at the beginning of December 2020, and my miscarriage occurred in January of this year, just after we announced our pregnancy on Christmas day. I also recall the empty feeling of coping with infertility, hoping for a Christmas miracle.
Validate Your Feelings - I know how tempting it can be to try and ignore the painful emotions during the holiday season. In the past, I've tried to busy myself with the season's events and activities to drown out the painful feelings. However, this year I've been trying to slow down and give myself time to feel each wave of emotion as it comes. I've also found some joy as I try to think of ways to remember my angel babies through the holiday season. As I set up my nativity this year, I placed my willow tree angles representing my babies at the manger scene.
The True Source of Joy Is at the Manger - I've quickly fallen into self-pity traps over the past few years of infertility and pregnancy loss. While it is essential to acknowledge our feelings and not bury them, I've found a more profound joy as I've come to turn to Jesus Christ. In the New Testament of the Bible, it says, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; … and ye shall find rest unto your souls" (Matthew 11:28–29). What burden is bigger to carry than infertility or pregnancy loss? Who better to trust with your feelings? I invite you to seek him this Christmas season, just as the wise men did following his birth. Instead of bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh, bring your struggles, pain, and burdens and lay them at his feet. He willingly takes them and carries them for us to rest in his joy.
Holiday Confession #3 - Light the World When You Feel Your Light Burnout
In 2017, the Light the World Initiative was launched during the holiday season to give compassionate service and kindness worldwide (#LightTheWorld). While I intended to participate each year, it wasn't until 2020 that I committed to participating every day. December 2020 was a dark month for me. It was mostly a blur of coping with a traumatic pregnancy loss and moving across the country with my family. However, I had committed to participating in Light the World, and as I reflect on December 2020, the moments most filled with light were when I was serving and giving to others.
In early January of this year, I took on responsibility at my church to help oversee the youth program for young women ages 12-18. A week after I began, I discovered my pregnancy was a missed miscarriage. I knew then that no matter what, I was determined to keep serving. I knew I needed these girls just as much as they needed me. As I poured my time and energy into working with the youth, I felt my flame reignited to be better than I was before. While there are still days when I may feel dimmer than others, serving others invigorates my soul and helps to heal my trauma.
I invite you to join in serving others and see if your day-to-day burnout gets set on fire as you show kindness to the world. You may find that you need those in your path just as much as they need you. #LightTheWorld2022
Takeaways
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my holiday confessions about infertility and pregnancy loss. I hope that you've been able to find insights to help as you navigate the holiday season. As you prepare for family and social gatherings, work with your spouse to determine if it's time to open up about infertility or skip the Christmas family bingo night. Validate your feelings and search for true joy in Jesus Christ. And most importantly, if you are feeling burnout, see if you can get reignited by serving others.
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